Three Makes Baby Podcast

Holiday Edition: 5 Ways to Deal with Questions from Family

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-efxwj-cbf3d1

Conversation at holiday family gatherings can trigger unexpected emotions, especially if you’ve been trying to conceive.
Aunt Alice asks you when you’re going to have a baby or your pregnant cousin, Amanda, joke-brags about how she gets pregnant by just looking at her husband.
Anyone who doesn’t go down a so-called “normal” path to parenthood has encountered many types of questions: the curious, the intrusive, the rude, and the uninformed.
Why can’t you have a child? Why did you decide to do that? Why don’t you just _____(relax/be happy/ adopt/ try acupuncture)?
How do you handle these questions? The first strategy I offer my clients is to consider the person’s intention. Was it an innocent question or not-so-innocent? Is the questioner being caring, curious, clueless or careless?
The exercise is also detailed in my book Three Makes Baby.

Three Makes Baby Podcast

Ally, Host of Half of Me Podcast; Reflections & Growth Over the Past Year

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-eqzyf-cbb53a

Ally discovered she was donor conceived in January 2019. Since then, she has discovered over a dozen half-siblings and is still coming to terms with her new reality. Ally discusses the complexities of discovering and managing relationships with multiple half-siblings and “the process” of growth she has gone through. She shares things she would do differently now that almost a year has past since her discovery. Ironically, Ally also discovered this year that she and her husband would need treatment to have a baby, as her parents did 30 years ago. Ally, compassionately reflects on what her parents must have gone through, especially now that she is facing infertility herself.

 

Three Makes Baby Podcast

Fran Regrets Keeping Her Daughter’s Donor Conception a Secret

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-bq5fg-cad4fe

Thirty years ago, Fran’s fertility doctor told to keep her donor conception a secret. She headed that advice against her intuition but when her daughter found out the truth as an adult, she regretted not being honest with her from the start. Grief and anger came up all over again. Fran describes the late discovery as disorienting to the entire family. She had to remember the good times by playing old cassette tapes again. Ultimately, Fran realized that her daughter needed her understanding. “It wasn’t about me, it was about her. I was still her mother, I was still the adult in this relationship.”  Fran says that, “People like me that have older children, have to join forces to make things for the better.” 
Three Makes Baby Podcast

Angela Use Art to Help Heal Self and Others after Miscarriage

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ap9qj-c78538

What happens when 100 people collaborate to express their experiences around miscarriage? Listen to this epi to find out.

Infertility grief isn’t widely recognized or understood by the public. Learn about the grieving process and why miscarriage after infertility is a more complicated type of grief.

Three Makes Baby Podcast

How Brittney Let Go of the Child They Couldn’t Have Together

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-yzxfb-c70da3

Therapy helped Brittney accept that her and her husband’s baby would not share DNA with her. She shares how she had to let go of the fantasy children that she wouldn’t have, so she could accept the baby that was coming. She believes she’s going to get the ‘“little soul” she was meant to have. 
Also, discussed in this episode are the epigenetic misconceptions that lead mother’s to believe they could pass their DNA on to their egg donor conceived baby. We talk about making an extra effort to help your child feel like they are part of the tribe when they are genetically different. 

Music: Half Mystery by Kevin Macleod

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Back-to-School: How to Help Your Kids Cope with Unexpected Questions from Classmates

School is officially back in full swing for us. My daughter is starting a new high school this year and for the first time it hasn’t crossed my mind that she will have to answer questions about her family.  For the first time, she’s going to school with a friend who was also adopted from China, and attending a diverse School for the Arts in a large cityIt’s a new experience for us. Since kindergarten my daughter has attended private, parochial schools. She was the minority race and the only kid adopted from China so she had answered all kinds of questions from classmates over the years.

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“What happened to your real parents?” 

“Did your mom die?”

“Where are you from?”

“Is THAT your mom?”

“That’s your brother!?”

 

My daughter’s first experience with a question from her peers was as early as pre-school. She came home happy from school that day. While I was helping her get ready for bed, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and it triggered a memory from that day. She stretched the outer corner of her eyes and said, “Joshua told me my eyes look like this today! I want them to look like yours.” I told her how beautiful I thought her eyes were even though they were different than mine. Then I went on to ask her how it made her feel to try to decipher the intention of the comment. “Did it make you feel bad, honey?”, I asked. “Kinda”, she said. “Oh honey, I’m sorry that made you feel bad. You have beautiful almond-shaped eyes and Joshua was probably noticing them since they are different from his.”

Most pre-school children are simply curious and ask innocent questions to understand the world and people around them. Simple answers usually are enough. However, sometimes there is a clever and mischievous youngster in the class who learns to push other’s buttons early. 

If your family differences are less conspicuous at first, your child may not have to deal with classmate questions until after preschool. As children move into middle childhood, social comparisons begin and kids may need to develop more sophisticated ways to respond to questions from peers.

“Where did you get your blue eyes?”

“You don’t look like your mom at all!”

“Is that your REAL dad?”

Children need help understanding how to respond to their friends in constructive ways that maintain healthy boundaries. They also need help addressing inappropriate and mean comments they may encounter. And you may too. In my book, Three Makes Baby, I offer five ways to teach your kids to handle social situations. They all begin with the letter D and I use game analogies to help you remember to use them in a moment that catches you off guard. Hopefully, this will empower you and your child to handle any uncomfortable situation that comes up. 

When peer questions or comments upset your child, you’ll want to know how to comfort them. As a parent, it’s best to be prepared early.  If you are struggling to find the right words, you’re not alone. It helps for families to have conversations at home in advance so a child feels comfortable talking about their family story. I offer simple phrases you can share with your child in my book, Three Makes Baby. You can get a copy of the book on Amazon.com, Target.com or BarnesandNoble.com.

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The SEED Trust relaunches with help from the EDNA project — The EDNA Project Blog

After 21 years of providing information and support in the field, on Friday 3rd May 2019 the National Gamete Donation Trust re-launches as the SEED Trust (Sperm, Egg and Embryo Donation Trust). The charity has worked tirelessly over the years to provide impartial and accessible information about donating and receiving eggs, sperm and embryos in […]

via The SEED Trust relaunches with help from the EDNA project — The EDNA Project Blog