Three Makes Baby

As discussions around donor conception expand, so does our understanding of the unique psycho-social needs of donor-conceived people (DCP). Increasing evidence highlights the benefits of using identified donors, ideally accessible before a DCP turns 18, to support their emotional and social well-being. In contrast, non-identified (previously called anonymous) donation—still common through traditional sperm banks—often result in large numbers of genetic half-siblings who remain unaware of each other. This disconnect brings a host of challenges, from the strain of discovering and managing unexpectedly large sibling groups to identity issues from lacking a full picture of one’s genetic background. Without ongoing health information from unidentified donors, DCP may face heightened anxiety and uncertainty around their genetic and medical histories. Read my presentation on this topic to sperm banks, ASRM, RESOLVE and other stakeholders in 2022.

For DCP, these “genetic mysteries” can complicate identity development, making it a more uncertain journey. Identified donation offers an alternative that addresses many of these challenges by providing continuity, connection, and security, helping DCP navigate their origins and relationships with confidence and clarity.

The Challenges of Large Sibling Groups in Sperm Banks Without Enforceable Family Limits

Without enforceable family limits for each sperm donor, traditional sperm banks often facilitate the creation of large sibling pods, which can pose significant social and emotional difficulties. Sperm banks, maximizing profits through repeated donations from a single donor, create a structure that may lack clarity and stability for DCP, who frequently face unknown and ambiguous kinship roles. While some donor-conceived individuals find meaning in these genetic connections, research shows that managing relationships with a large number of siblings can be overwhelming.

One DCP shared their experience: “Siblings don’t come on a predictable schedule. It can be disruptive to your life to have siblings constantly popping up at all different stages of processing.” This unpredictability creates complex emotional highs and lows, making it difficult for many to establish a secure sense of self and stable family dynamics.

Identity and Belonging: The Benefits of Small, Manageable Groups

A manageable number of genetic connections allows DCP to build their identity within a stable kinship structure. Research shows that smaller sibling groups provide a sense of belonging and reduce the social strain of maintaining numerous relationships. Studies by Hertz and Dunbar support the idea that humans can maintain only a limited number of close relationships. Large sibling groups often lead to emotional disconnect and burnout. As one DCP explained, “The volume of communication needed to cultivate and maintain that many relationships, even on a casual level, is difficult.” Knowledge of sibling identities is also critical, helping DCP avoid the trauma of unknowingly forming romantic relationships with half-siblings.

Identified donation through reputable means can mitigate these challenges, setting reasonable limits on sibling numbers to facilitate healthier connections and reduce fears of accidental consanguinity.

Ambiguous Loss and the Need for Medical Updates

For many DCP, the lack of access to updated medical information presents unresolved grief, often described as ambiguous loss. Studies show that DCP greatly value ongoing health information, especially as they navigate their medical histories and future family planning.

An identified donor setup, often offered by “sperm matchmaker” companies, such as The Seed Scout requires ongoing medical updates to be shared directly with families, reducing the impact of ambiguous loss. This access to health information not only supports DCP’s physical health but also contributes to their emotional stability, offering a consistent link to their genetic heritage and reducing the uncertainty around unknown health risks and accidental consanguinity.

Social and Relational Challenges in Large Sibling Groups

Navigating relationships in large sibling groups can feel like uncharted territory, often leading to role confusion and even conflict. Large groups place extra emotional labor on DCP, who often feel responsible for maintaining group harmony. Without societal norms or resources to guide these dynamics, many struggle to develop a clear sense of self. Identified donation, by contrast, supports more manageable kinship groups, allowing siblings to establish and sustain meaningful relationships if they choose.

The Psychological Benefits of Early Donor Knowledge

Access to donor identity from an early age can significantly reduce stress related to identity and origin. Knowing their donor’s identity provides many DCP with peace of mind and a sense of continuity, allowing them to explore these connections at their own pace. One DCP expressed this well: “The knowledge gave me peace, but I appreciated that there wasn’t pressure to be close.” When a child has the choice to access information about their origins and pursue connections in their own time, it supports them in navigating their complex relationships and identity from a place of confidence rather than uncertainty.

Additionally, many DCP report feeling guilty when expressing a desire to know their origins, fearing they might hurt their parents by implying they aren’t “enough.” By choosing an identified donor, parents actively show their children that it’s okay—and even natural—to want to understand their genetic background. This choice reinforces that a desire for knowledge doesn’t detract from family love and security; it respects the child’s full identity. Parents can support their child’s identity development by understanding the role of DNA in shaping a person’s identity.

Current Progress and Legal Developments

Legislation like Colorado’s Donor-Conceived Persons Protection Act is an encouraging step toward establishing family limits that better protect donor-conceived individuals. Effective January 2025, this law will limit the number of families per donor, though it does not restrict the number of children per family. Advocacy efforts by groups like the U.S. Donor Conceived Council (USDCC) continue pushing for nationwide regulations to address these challenges.

Supporting Donor-Conceived Individuals Through Identified Donation

Identified donation through reputable sources provides a path forward by offering:

• Realistic family limits that support manageable sibling relationships
• Medical updates to enhance physical and emotional well-being
• Stable kinship structures that foster a sense of security
• Early knowledge of genetic identity, providing a foundation of comfort and confidence

In my work with donor-conceived individuals and their families, I see the transformative impact that identified donation can have. It offers a path that respects and honors the voices and needs of the donor-conceived community, fostering lifelong well-being, resilience, and a secure sense of identity—gifts that every child deserves.

Research

Same-Donor Sibling Research

• Jadva, V., Freeman, T., Tranfield, E., & Golombok, S. (2020). Finding people like me: Contact among young adults who share an open-identity sperm donor. Human Reproduction Open, 2020(4), hoaa057. https://doi.org/10.1093/hropen/hoaa057

Beyond Consanguinity Risk: Developing Donor Birth Limits

• Scheib, J. E., & Ruby, A. (2009). Beyond consanguinity risk: Developing donor birth limits that consider psychosocial risk factors. Fertility and Sterility, 91(5), e12. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2008.12.059

Sociological Accounts of Donor Siblings’ Experiences

• Hertz, R. (2022). Sociological accounts of donor siblings’ experiences: Their importance for self-identity and new kinship relations. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(4), 2002. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19042002

Impact of Genetic Identity Disclosure on Donor-Conceived Adults

• Turner, A. J., & Coyle, A. (2022). The impact of the method of genetic identity disclosure on the donor-conceived adult. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 43(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1080/0167482X.2022.2030307

The Search for Self: Adoption Reunions, Kinship Matters, and Donor Conception

• Clapton, G. (2021). The search for self: Adoption reunions, kinship matters and donor conception. In H. W. Henriksson & K. Goedecke (Eds.), Close Relations (pp. 69-84). Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-981-16-0792-9_5

Numerical Limits in Donor Conception Regimes

• Millbank, J. (2014). Numerical limits in donor conception regimes: Genetic links and ‘extended family’ in the era of identity disclosure. Medical Law Review, 22(3), 325-356. https://doi.org/10.1093/medlaw/fwt044

Young Adults Study by the Progress Educational Trust

• Zadeh, S. (2024). Donor identifiability from birth: Findings of the Young Adults Study. Progress Educational Trust. https://www.progress.org.uk/donor-identifiability-from-birth-findings-of-the-young-adults-study/

Donor-Conceived Persons and Families of Donor-Conceived Persons Protection Act

In May 2022, Colorado Governor Jared Polis signed the Donor-Conceived Persons and Families of Donor-Conceived Persons Protection Act into law, with provisions set to take effect on January 1, 2025. This legislation, introduced by members of the U.S. Donor Conceived Council (USDCC), aims to protect donor-conceived individuals and their families through several key measures:

• Donor Information: Donors are required to provide their identifying information and medical history, agreeing to its release to the donor-conceived person upon reaching 18 years of age. Colorado General Assembly
• Medical History Updates: Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) agencies must request medical history updates from donors at least every three years to ensure records remain current. Colorado General Assembly
• Donor Records: ART agencies are mandated to maintain comprehensive records of each donor’s identifying information and medical history, ensuring accessibility for donor-conceived individuals. Colorado General Assembly
• Donor Limits: The law imposes a cap on the number of families that can utilize a specific donor’s gametes, aiming to prevent the creation of large sibling groups and associated psychosocial challenges. Colorado General Assembly
• Licensing: Gamete agencies, banks, and fertility clinics are required to obtain a Colorado license, ensuring compliance with state regulations and oversight. Colorado General Assembly
• Best Interests: The legislation emphasizes prioritizing the best interests of donor-conceived individuals and their families in all related practices and policies. USDCC

This landmark law positions Colorado as a leader in safeguarding the rights and well-being of donor-conceived individuals, setting a precedent for other states to consider similar measures.