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Letting Go

I became pregnant for the second time after 14 years of infertility. Even though I always wanted to be a family of five, my husband and I moved on from that dream many years prior. We had made peace with our family of four when we were hit with the biggest surprise of our life. I was pregnant! I can’t even begin to describe my disbelief.  With my husband’s medical infertility, this was truly a miracle.

An old friend of ours has a tradition of shouting out, Dad’s last cast!, when he’s fishing, just to play with fate and attempt to manipulate his fishing luck. I jokingly called our miraculous pregnancy, “Dad’s Last Cast”. It held on as long as it could.

I let it go in the Pacific in Costa Rica. In 8 weeks, I came to know it as a she, and she grew to fill the cup of my hand. I placed my hands in the water, eyes fixed, and with one current she was swept away. My eyes frantically searched for a flash of red, but the ocean graciously took her out of sight. It was a piece of me; a divine gift that I let go. Protective thoughts raced through my mind and my heart ached to nurture something that didn’t need nurturing. I was ready to charge at any bird that came near. I realized how much love had grown in the last couple months and what I was willing to do to protect it. It also made me see what I was not responsible for.

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