An anonymous follower on Instagram asked me this, “We will be open with our child, family, close friends, etc about our child being dc. However, my dad has religious beliefs that leave him against any type of fertility treatment/alternative family building. We want to protect our child by not telling my dad about IVF/DC…is that a bad idea?”
Answer: Secrets like this are almost impossible to keep over a lifestyle and lead to unhealthy deceptive behavior in families. Even though it seems like you will be protecting your child from your dad’s beliefs, it can be damaging to your child to hide this part of their identity from a family member.Here are some tips when approaching this difficult conversation with your family.
Be an active listener
Try not to think about what you are going to say next. Instead be curious about their viewpoint. re-state their statements to demonstrate you are hearing them.
Take a time-out
If anyone gets defensive, upset, rude, hurtful, overwhelmed or stunned, say, “I need to take a break and come back to this later.” Sit with any feelings , get support, prepare for the next conversation.
Be a disco ball
Imagine you are inside a disco ball protected from taking things personally while reflecting light around you. You have the ability to reflect what others do and say. Repeat: “It’s not about me.” Keep spinning and shining in the darkness.
Best of luck!
Jana
If you need support to emotionally prepare for this conversation, make an appointment with me.
You can also get a copy of my book, Three Makes Baby or access some online digital guides to help you parent your donor conceived child.
